YO, ANYONE OUT THERE?

Helloooooooo! Where is everyone? I went click clicking to visit some blogs and hardly anyone is home. One blog was removed entirely. Another experienced a divorce, but seems to be coping pretty well. Impressive. Another lost a son, hasn't posted in months, Understandable. Others just haven't written or posted in a very long time.

I am not sure what this means, if it means anything at all.

I am writing because I am utterly bored.

Current performance review / status: Operating and functioning somewhat, maintaining job surprisingly, laughing and smiling occasionally, spending frugally, sleeping fairly. divorcing in progress. Living, ranging from satisfactory to minimally satisfactory.

FLOWING

"Just go with the flow," he said, "Stop trippin' on what everyone thinks."

But sometimes we do trip on the tripwires, and the flow of life gets jammed up, nothing flows in the brain,
and I am paralyzed by the uncertainty of what comes next and the fear of
what everyone thinks and wonders about me.

And then what happens when the financial flow is cut off? The feeling of being drained while being in a holding pattern of not receiving support because the soon-to-be-ex-husband is paying the full mortgage while praying (to a God he doesn't believe in) that someone will buy the house, and then not being able to pay rent because of not receiving support and having the parents pray (to a God they fervently believe in) that their daughter's house will sell so that I will have a place to live.

And then, a miracle. A breakthrough to get things flowing again -- an offer from a family of four willing to move into a 2bedroom 1 bath house, a disclosure of humiliating debt, a negotiation to stay afloat, an agreement to preserve stability.

Keeping things flowing while trying to achieve, staying afloat, and finding stability is the goal. Mental, economic, physical.

Next up... flexibility and force.

UNIVERSAL TRAVELLER*

So what do you do when you are traveling with no brakes, surrounded by clouds with blurry vision, and are headed through a dark tunnel with a cliff at the end and the ocean on one side? Well, stopping is no option. Do you attempt to turn around or do you make a sharp turn to the left or right?

I tried to turnaround, but I was told that going back to the past was not an option. So I turned left and guess what, I didn't go over the edge and suddenly, the skies cleared and I could see the light, to the right, on the other side.

Sometimes the only way forward is to follow your instincts and trust that the people who love you will guide you through, whatever path you choose.

You will not believe the unbelievable stuff that I have been trying to navigate through - an unsettled divorce, crippling debt from my manic episode, my young son battling depression, and trying to sell a home in what is perhaps the worst economy our country has ever faced.

Then, there is my mind. Going from one extreme to the next, and trying to make sense of the poles of my life.

By the way, I thought I lost my glasses the other day, for real, and my son found them on the floor of the car. For real.

(*I've got many friends who can care for me...so far...so far..." Air, Talkie Walkie)

1.6.09
Humpty Dumpty Fell in the Sea

I was swallowed up by the ocean and spit out, in pieces. However, someone rescued me and put me back together again. I am holding onto life and still breathing.

Boots For Weathering Storms
08.30.08
Looking through the pictures that I took with my camera this summer, I find it both harrowing and amazing that I made It through the past few months -- barely, nearly, and still standing. I waded and weathered through yet another unexpected hurricane, one of tremendous emotional stresses and triggers. Thinking back to May, some form of episode was inevitable, though I tried everything I could with those around me, to prevent it.

The abandonment of my husband of 12 years, the discovery of his lies and affair, the temporary removal of custody of my son, the unspoken fear and panic of my parents and family, the betrayal and loss of a best friend, the physical suffering and consequences of another episode and the side effects of an unprecedented level of medications. This time around, however, I feel stronger and my rebound back to life and reality is, for some reason, smoother and less bleak than my recovery in 2005, after that other hurricane, Katrina.

I find myself wondering, why hurricanes appear and feature so powerfully and suddenly, in both a metaphoric and physical sense, in my life and bipolar struggles. Now there is Gustav on the horizon. I can only hope that, like me, the people who are awaiting its impact will be more prepared than that last hurricane. But we all know, that with both nature and our bodies, nothing is ever certain or predictable. We can only hope and put our best foot forward, with the resources we have and the knowledge we know.

For those of you who have been checking in, wondering what and how Polarimbi is doing, thank you. I survived, and continue to do so. I hope that the stories of my continuing journey to love, laugh, and live with myself are providing you with some insight and understanding that can help you and the ones you love. Namaste.

July Something
Ever wish you had a camera to capture the completely strange and Whacky things you do and see? To capture it and to go back and analyze what happens right then and there? (Like, yo, was that PHD real me or the psycho/manic me?) Sometimes it would be good to get ANOTHER PERSON’S perspective. I bought a new camera and took pictures of some my lovely hypomanic creations and guess what, I can’t find my f’n camera! There’s one of me acting like a witch with all this garbage in the bin and me trying to rid the world of its stench and evil with my little garden hose. You can IMAGINE The things I put in the bin. Hilarious. I guess some things are not JUST meant to be EXPLAINED, captured, OR SHARED you know what I’m sayin’ boy/girl friends? ; )…

Peace out.
/erf

P.S.
“Can someone tell me what is UP with the Weather and our SUN these days?!?”


July 13th]
I’m with my dawg now. Right here. Funk soul is the way in. Check out Fat Boy Slim if you want the keys to the universe.

Next……..

Where the hell is my charger? SomeOne took it from my house. Seriously.

Not funny.

My funk soul’s charger is missing. PERIOD.

WE ARE GOING TO THE APPLE STORE. TOMORROW. GOGOGOGOGOOGOG.

CHECK IT OUT. UPDPDPPDPDPDPPDPDPDPDPDPDPDPDP.

Funk soul brother.

Lift off. Go to KINGSTON and you will see the STARS. BRING YOUR MOM


July 13, 2008
Message from JSM: I LOVE THIS WOMAN. NOW WHAT? ANYWHO….
THAT’S WHAT. SO THERE. KEEP IT REAL aight. BOYYYYY.

XOXOXP.period.

There’s been a lot going on. I feel I have been fighting multiple battles on many different LEVELS and FRONTS. But baby, I’m FRONTIN. I’m PFREAL, just like PHarrelll of the Neptunes. What a great song to groove to when you are feeling down.

I have managed to get through the RAPIDS, and am just CHILLIN’ with a wonderful new FRIEND. My priority is to PHeel GOod and PHreeeeee!. ; )

xoxoxo
ERF

(Picture to be posted)

Friday the 13th
6.13.08

What a freakin' freaky friday yesterday. I discovered and learned/realized and confirmed that I have a 2nd nature -- that for every good thing I've done, I've done (and can do) something evil.

East and West. Really, they should unite.

Seriously. I lost my faith and now here it is staring at me in the face. I lost family friends, and discovered new and old ones.

If You believe, don't wait, because It's time to come together.
Don't forget. It's Father's Day tomorrow.
Don't get it wrong. Don't hesitate. Don't wait. Just get along.
Unite. (If Hilary and Obama can do it, so can you!).
If You get along, You can/will sit upon the throne.
Na na na na na na nana nana nana.

Now!, Namaste......it's time for those.downward dogs to go down!

Here's Where the Story Ends
6.6.08

Dear Friends.
At the end of the rapids was a waterfall, and then another, and then another. just like in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Yes, m'am/sir, SS was/is a genius. You can find a lot of historical treasures in his films.

I am just paddling now and going down various channels and going with the flow, like Enya's orinoco flow. The tributaries are intersecting, and it's a bit complicated, but I just follow my heart.

I have discovered the answers to a lot of the oh-my-my mama mia mysteries.

The story of ERF/Polarimbi is only just beginning..... so stay tuned! ;)

xoxoxoxoxo

A Rough Ride
3.3.08

I am fighting the rapids, tightening the life vest. Not sure what is at the end of this twisted river.

Upside Down You're Turning Me
3.3.08

I am having trouble reading my signs. One moment I think I am okay, and then suddenly, I feel very off. Then I feel fine, and then I don't. One day, I feel in control, and then the next, I want to drive straight into a brick wall. I look around my home, I see order and feel like I am maintaining my responsibilities, but then I want to throw dishes everywhere and crawl under the bed. I want my husband to hold me and tell me that he loves me, but then I can't breathe with him watching my every move. I feel like I am riding the rapids and hate that I have to readjust my lifevest at every twist and turn

Let Down
1.17.08

Sorry to have not been in touch for months (again). Inconsistency is part of this disease. I made a mistake back in October, dodged a bullet, but still got caught and wounded. It was a good thing, inevitable really, but horrible and devastating and humiliating and painful. I got through the past few months, but clearly can't resist the temptation to hit the self-destruct button. Apparently, to add further insult to injury, I have a compulsion disorder in addition to being bipolar. I am starting a new medication today, an anti-convulsant that sounds ironically like to-the-max. Meanwhile, I am avoiding all potential places where I can get into trouble and funneling my energy into taking care of my home, my garden, and most of all, my lovely son and husband, who continue to surprise me with their love, patience, and resilience.

I am exhausted, but I am doing the best I can to not let down the ones I love. At the end of the day that is all we can do.


You know, you know where you are with
You know where you are with
Floor collapsing
Floating, bouncing back
And one day....
I am going to grow wings
A chemical reaction
Hysterical and useless
Hysterical and...

(Let Down by Radiohead)

This Mess I'm In
10.16.07

I made a mistake in my life today
everything I love gets lost in drawers
I want to start over, I want to be winning
way out of sync from the beginning

I wanna hurry home to you
put on a slow, dumb show for you
and crack you up
so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
god I’m very, very frightening
I’ll overdo it

Looking for somewhere to stand and stay
I leaned on the wall and the wall leaned away

(Slow Show, The National)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zz5pskaTNJU

Another Brick In The Wall
10.4.07

"It's almost very difficult to explain when you are the person that suffers from the thing, but the best way I can describe it is it's almost like before you get ill, you are a solid wall," Sinéad says. "And while you're ill, it's like the bricks are falling away and it's one teetering little brick."

Sinéad O'Connor (on her struggle with bipolar disorder)
The Oprah Winfrey Show (October 4, 2007)
http://www2.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/200710/tows_past_20071004.jhtml?promocode=HP11

I think Oprah redeems herself (from last week's less-than-stellar show on bipolar disorder) by interviewing such a thoughtful and talented, artist and mother.

Hopefully, millions of previously uneducated people are now a bit more enlightened.

TAKE IT EASY ON ME
October 1, 2007

Hola amigos! I have had a morning of gallivanting, procrastinating, lunching, and fashion trend watching, around campus and online. Productive? Not really. I have no idea if this means anything more than just being a normal human, not wanting to do work, or being bipolar, and having trouble concentrating. I have decided not to care either way, well, for today at least.

September and the fall is eff'n cRaZy for me, historically, and I said before, for most people, generally. So I am learning to take it easy on myself during this change in season. Two years ago, I was on my 2nd week in the intensive psych ward, painting wooden treasure boxes, talking to a woman who thought she was Lady Diana and another who believed she was Hitler's mistress. They seemed perfectly normal to me at the time, kindred spirits, who could talk in my coded language.

Now, it's all good, as they say. (Though I do wonder whatever happened to my friends in the psych ward). These days I take my son to the skatepark after school, we buy Jamba Juices, I sit on the grass, and I yell every now and then at my son to put his helmet back on. We stop by Safeway or Whole Foods if we want to splurge and pick up dinner.

What's changed since I left the psych ward with a DSM code of bipolar disorder I? Acceptance. Awareness. I think the same can be said of my husband, so traumatized by putting me on a 72-hour hold and having me scream obscenties at him. We hardly get into arguments these days and the look of fear and sadness no longer fills his eyes. We laugh more. If I feel myself getting really worked up and misunderstood, I say, "Let's not deal with this right now." With my life, I go around with this mental toolkit full of self-talk and meds. I try to detect and disarm emotional landmines, to take the pressure out of situations that can be triggers, and to slow myself before getting physically exhausted.

Am I fortunate that my meds are working and that I have had a good childhood and supportive family? Most definitely. Does it make it easier? Perhaps. Is it still hard? Gosh, yes. Am I managing? So far.